Oh dear merciful Lord in heaven look what these morons have done:
Father-daughter duo hopes autistic children benefit from soup
This family of well-meaning nitwits has decided to put out a line of gluten-free and dairy-free soups aimed not at, say, celiacs — which would make sense — but autistic children. They admit that there is no evidence that a gluten-free or dairy-free diet will help, but they’re trying this, anyway.
And some parents have been trying diets like this. See, when your kid inexplicably strips off clothing, refuses to meet anyone’s eyes, can’t say more than 16 canned phrases, or becomes magically airborne and flailing at the very thought of water touching his nose, you find yourself doing very silly things. You don’t care if there’s no scientific evidence. You want to try everything. Hell — my kid has Asperger’s and the number of nutritional supplements I have that poor kid swallowing is appalling.
But I have news for The Stupids of Annapolis: even the desperate parents who are already restricting their kids’ diets will not be trying your soup on their kids. Do your research, Daddy and Daughter Dumbass: while every autistic kid is different, there is one rule that is nearly universal. Autistic kids don’t eat soup.
A huge number of autistic kids, see, are neophobic when it comes to food. They have, if their parents are very very lucky and really really really persistent, 10-15 foods they will reliably eat. And you do not mix them. They can sniff out a molecule of toast sweat on a miniscule bite of eggs faster than you can say: "Let them eat soup." You know how your kids freak out if the gravy touches their peas? Autistic kids have to be peeled off the ceiling.
And what is soup, boys are girls?
A bunch of shit all mixed up together. And it’s hot. Did I mention that autistic kids are extremely texture and temperature sensitive?
Dumb dumb dumb dumb.
I understand refusing to care about research on actual efficacy for autistic kids. It’s all the rage, what with vaccines and Jenny McCarthy and all. Why do research when you can sucker exhausted, freaked-out parents? I mean, desperate parents will try anything, right?
Except soup.
Ann Caldwell and Maureen Shackelford, dietitians at Anne Arundel Medical Center, had similar sentiments. "It’d be tough for us to say anything positive about it," opined Ms. Caldwell. "Our practice is research-based and there’s no research (on this). The flip side is that it’s not doing any harm."
Sweet! Daddy and daughter should stick that quote on the soup labels.
Speaking of which, they don’t have a brand name, yet. What would you call a soup made for autistic kids?